BUSH OUTLINES PLANS FOR PEACEFUL POST-WAR WORLD

Basking in the admiration of a loyal audience of defence contractors somewhere in Florida, Mr Bush declared "Once we've proven to the world that bloody violence is the best means of achieving political goals, the basic idea is that everyone will forget that fact and go back to living in harmony."

 

CRUISE MISSILES™ RETURN TO CARRIERS

US military strategists have been left dumbfounded as cruise missiles, intended to shock and awe the Iraqi population by exploding in the centre of Baghdad, have instead returned to the aircraft carriers which launched them.

The crews of the carriers have since been seen floating in the Persian Gulf begging local fishermen for a ride back to Kuwait.

 

AUSTRALIAN SOLDIERS POUNDED BY LOCAL TRIBESMEN

One serviceman was heard to exclaim "We expected to be welcomed by the natives, and most of us enjoy a bit of man to man as part of the job, but this was too much." Large contingents of Australia's tiny SAS® contingent were last seen scurrying through the desert screaming like school girls.

 

RICHARD PERLE'S CHILDREN FORM DEATH METAL GROUP

Mr Perle had earlier predicted "our children will sing songs about our exploits."

 

CHERIE BLAIR FILES FOR DIVORCE

Citing her husband's predilection for beating her into submission whenever he doesn't get his own way, Mrs Blair has instituted proceedings to end their marriage of 23 years. Her husband intends to contest the proceedings and has since claimed that it was always his intention to shower her with gifts once she succumbed to his will.

 

JANETTE HOWARD HAUNTED BY BEASTIALITY CLAIMS

Mrs Howard has since claimed "John is a wonderful human being."

 

US TROOPS DESSERT

In another worrying development for the invading coalition, entire divisions of US troops have abandoned their posts in southern Iraq to establish autonomous sustainable communities in the desert. Colonel Buster Gibson (who now prefers to go by the name of Sandy Earthchild) held a press conference yesterday to announce to shocked and embedded journalists that the men and women of his division had always planned to begin new lives once they arrived in the Middle-East. "The best part is that the US Government has paid our way over here and provided us with all of this equipment which we intend to re-engineer and apply towards peaceful goals", Sandy is reported to have said as he drew back on an ornate water pipe.